Thursday, May 17, 2012

Middle-age Man Health & Wellness Exam

Since I pay for my own health insurance, I’ve chosen a high-deductible health insurance plan to lower the cost. My monthly premiums are lower and that saves me money but I’m responsible for a greater amount of medical expense before my insurance policy kicks in and that costs me money. I’m gambling that the premium savings will be greater than the out-of-pocket expenses I pay. My annual deductible – the amount that I pay before my insurance pays – is about $5,000.

Thus far, this policy has served me well. It has made me a better consumer of health care, and it has motivated me to have greater ownership of my health and wellness.

As a result of this motivation, I’ve created my own self-administered exam to periodically determine my middle-age man health and wellness. I’ve had fun sharing this exam with other middle-age men; today I’m sharing it with you.

First of all, know that I’m not a medical doctor so take what I say with a grain of salt and a good old-fashioned belly laugh.

This self-exam consists of five questions, all of which you answer yes or no. You need at least four yes answers to pass. Passing the exam means that I have good middle-age man health and wellness and, therefore, I don’t need to go to the doctor.

Again, I’m not a medical doctor so take what I’m sharing with a grain of salt and a good old-fashioned belly laugh. Like me, take ownership of your middle-age man health and wellness and decide if you need to go to the doctor.

So here’s the exam; again answer each question with a yes or no. “It depends” is not an acceptable answer.

First, at the end of the day, do you remember what you had for breakfast?

Second, can you walk up a single-story flight of stairs without being winded at the top?

Third, can you bend over and pick up something off the floor without throwing out your back or ripping the seat of your pants?

Fourth, can you get through a whole day without crapping your pants?

At this point, if you’re jumping with joy because you’ve answered these four questions with a yes answer, good for you because you’ve passed the exam regardless of whether you answer yes to the fifth and final question for a perfect score.

Drum roll please – fifth, can you piss over a six foot fence? Yikes! That’s a tough one.

Many middle-age men I’ve shared this exam with laugh hard at this last question. Some answer yes but most answer no to which I reply to those who answered yes to the first four questions, “No problem, buy a trampoline. Congratulations, you’ve passed the exam and are a middle-age man specimen of good health and wellness.”

So there you have it my cyberspace friends, the Pierini Middle-age Man Health and Wellness Exam.

Pax Domini sit semper vobiscum


tommy helms said...

I can piss over a six foot fence, when I'm standing on a five foot ladder

pierini said...

You are a force to be reckoned with and a middle-age man weapon of mass destruction.

Anonymous said...

The test for middle age security guards in New York City is as follows. 1) breathe in 2) breathe out. If you can do these 2 tests you are hired.