I just want to be a bum

As I get ready to ramp up my hours during a short but intense work season about to begin and last for three months, I’m trying to get a hold of how I feel about it.

I’m very experienced and do quite well in high gear for lots of hours, and this is the result of “training” for it the past 35 plus years.  But just because I’m able to do it doesn’t mean I’m necessarily foaming from the mouth for it to begin.

The feelings I have about doing it again can be described as ambivalent.  Just to make sure I really know the dictionary definition of ambivalent, I decided to look it up and this is what I read:

Ambivalent - "Having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone."

Yup, that's my feeling; I feel ambivalent.

The heads side of my ambivalent feeling coin is the good feeling from working hard and having lots of interaction with interesting people, and, of course, to be paid well for the hard work done.

The tails side of my ambivalent feeling coin is harder to pin down and may be driven by a generally dormant lazy gene that surfaces its ugly head when least expected.  Then, there’s this mañana gene that's also a force for me to reckon with; it's a close cousin of my lazy gene.  This tails side of my ambivalent feeling coin remind me of a person I once knew who was my age.  We thought similarly in many areas.  

I remember one day when he had lots of work to do and didn't feel like doing it.  He shared his thoughts about how this made him feel and want to do.  What he shared seems to be the same intermittent thought I've been having lately.

He shared how he really didn't feel like working, and then said, "I just want to be bum."

Pax Domini sit semper vobiscum