Monday, May 11, 2015

Like my grandfather's closet

This middle-aged man learned early in life about
the value of  good hot bath thanks to his Mom.
Legend has it that somewhere in our middle-aged man journey of becoming an old man, our personal hygiene starts to go south.  Is it true?  

I don’t know for sure although I’ve met several old men who have given me olfactory evidence that it might be true.

What do others have to say about this?  An internet search led me to a webpage stating:

“Our distinctive scent is caused by bacteria on our skin reacting with sweat and sebum released from our pores and this natural smell changes as we age.  According to one study, middle-aged men had the most intense body odor.”

This ambassador of all middle-aged men around the world is aware of studies like this and had this to say about such an allegation:

"We middle-aged men will always smell nice like a splash of Old Spice."

Contributing to declining personal hygiene is the conscious “business decision” one makes that taking a daily bath or shower is no longer necessary.  An aging, more tired and previously-important businessman who no longer has to go out in the business world looking like a pretty boy might find new comfort in skipping his daily encounter with a hot wash rag and bar of soap that not too long ago he would have found unthinkable. 

Another factor to declining personal hygiene might be leaky urine syndrome time - or LUST for short - due to middle-aged and old man prostate problems.  Walking around in piss-stained underwear that might be two days aged along with the same number of days since a bath or shower intensifies and adds to the stink-risk.  I’m told, but don’t know for sure, there are underwear guards that can be worn to manage this risk.

Staying in the same stink-zone is the risk of middle-aged man and old-man butt odor perhaps brought on by an aging digestive system that no longer works like a champ, and further exacerbated by the lack of reaching and bending flexibility and hand-dexterity that makes it more difficult for those squeaky-clean butt wipes that long ago were athletically-possible.

This is all very real and scary to me. 

Who am I to think I won’t be a stinking old-man in due time or that I’m not already a stinking middle-aged man!  These declines, you know, creep up on us ever so slowly.  That stinking old man we know never thought for a moment when he was 60 years young like yours truly, that he would one day be another witness to what younger people universally believe of older people stinking. 

So I’ll continue to scrub my body each day using hot water and soap in my never-ending battle for truth, justice, the American way and middle-aged man personal hygiene. 

During those temptations to skip my daily cleansing, like when I feel extra tired and lazy and harboring thoughts that nobody will know and besides I really don’t smell because I haven’t done anything to create a stink, I’ll be motivated not to be hygienic-slothful out of fear of smelling like my grandfather’s closet.

Pax Domini sit semper vobiscum

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your comments on right on target.